Thought Catalog

You think you are going to save me. You don’t know what that means. People have sold you this image of a knight, or a prince, or at least a hero in a Purple Label suit, but it is silly. I don’t need that, and even if I wanted it, I am not so shallow as to think that a stranger could provide it for me.

I say that I love you, and maybe I do, but it will always pale in comparison to the aching, complex, ultimately rewarding love I have for myself. Over the past 20-something years, I have learned to grow comfortable with myself. There are parts of me I would change, but overall, I think that I’m a good person. I touch myself with care. I forgive myself. So many people who have claimed to love me have not afforded me the same courtesy. It’s not…

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The One Who Thinks The Other Way

There are these days when I all I could think of are my failures and me as a failure. I can’t erase these thoughts. I tried assuring myself that these are just lies in my mind; I am in war with myself. But I am simply drawn to the schemes of depression.

 

I don’t know. It’s just that it is easy to de depressed or sad than to force yourself to be happy even though the future is too bleak to see. It has been my habit to take in much bad thoughts than to think of the positive ones. Even though people starts telling me that it’s going to be alright, I will always be completely doubtful of that. There is no assurance. There is no way everything is going to be alright when you see your future crumbling down in front of you. No way, man. It does not happen like that, or so I think.

 

You see, I will be forever the pessimist. The one who worries. The one who thinks everything is wrong when I do not do something right. The one who blames herself for something she did not even do. I am that one. And I want to change that perspective.

 

Right now, I don’t know how. It is a process I guess. It is a never-ending development. A challenge to someone who thinks like me.

 

I am sorry to all my friends who tried to consume me with positive thoughts but ended up in vain. I am sorry. I know I should listen but I don’t. I am sorry.

 

I am sorry to myself. I feel sorry for myself. I am sorry that I keep beating myself with these lies and doubts. I am sorry for my thoughts.

 

I really want to change. I want to stop worrying and let God. I should do that. I want to see the brighter side of everything. Please, help me to change.

That’s not love.

Thought Catalog

You’re that I’m-not-looking-for-a-relationship type. You’re the fine-on-my-own-and-I-do-what-I-want type. The type that feels like sex is liberating, especially when it’s casual and selfish. You make it clear you’re not interested in “anything serious” and you draw the line in the sand. When the other person starts to inevitably develop feelings, you push back and push him away.

Until.

Someone new catches you off guard with a witty comment or a hidden talent. And suddenly you’re intrigued, and you’re bored with the last one because he still wants to date and you keep repeating yourself, so you might as well explore something else. And you actually give this new person the time of day, because he’s smart, and you can tell.

You agree to see him, because why not? And suddenly you’re both awkward and eager, and you realize you have more in common than you ever expected. You wonder where he’s…

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Ever.

It scares me that maybe when times like that arises again and with a bigger reason,

you’ll just leave without even noticing how I needed you.

I’ll just observe you as you walk away and ignore me.

I’ll never be okay by then.

Ever.

I Don’t Want To Be Lazy

It’s a matter of choice really. It isn’t some kind of mind boggling decision you need to make. No risk. But why is it so hard to do so? Why is it that it’s hard to move on from that bed and just do something that can change your day? Why is laziness so hard to take off?

Nevertheless, I am finally committing myself to a life of productivity. I’ll make my every day worth living. I’ll make sure to accomplish something every single day. I’ll try though it will be hard.

I’m starting and I hope you too. I need to make something out of myself. I know I am not just the “couch potato” or the “snorlax”. Though I know that’s my identity, I need to figure myself out more. I want to be something more just the grades and all.

 

Let’s start anew and embark to a new journey of anti-laziness. Let’s get up from that comfortable sit or bed and have a life.

Let’s embrace the sun while it’s and we are young.