It was in that moment that I thought, “Could this be really happening?”. Confused. Devastated. I never thought things could go on this way.
I can see clearly now, I think so. No, crush it. I’m sure of it.
It seems like for so long now we’ve been fooling ourselves. Thinking that, “Hey maybe this is the one” or “Yeah, this is really different.” But right now, it just seem too vague and bleak.
It was a test. I want to know how would someone would react to that. And I guess, I had the truth slapping on to my face. I tried again, just to make sure and indeed, I was sure this time. This time I saw it in action. This time I saw it closing the door, leaving unnecessary things. This time I felt it.
And it was not some kind of violence. It was so silent and so smooth that I had to think twice if it really DID happen. I waited, thinking that maybe things are going to be back to normal. That we’ll compromise and deal. But no. I searched and that feeling is nowhere to be found. I had to wait. I need to be patient. But when the rain started falling, it was a sign of surrender.
I drowned myself with the rain moods. I had to overcome the emotions. I was just staring blankly. I don’t know what to feel. Should it be pain? Should I start crying? Should I just have it all pass? I don’t know.
I was feeling nothing at first. I was thinking why, how or what really just happened. I had to blame myself for it. I don’t know why but I really just have to blame myself.
I left that post and entered a four walled space. I was completely abandoned. I felt like everything was washed away with the flood. Everything. And I was just staring at the 5th wall on top. Again, I questioned why. I had to come up with an answer or conclusion.
I was abandoned. I cannot ignore that fact. I was expecting too much. I was thinking too much. I had it all too much. Then, it was just too much that I cannot control my own nervous system. The pain was showing, the hurt showcased itself boldly.
Then, I finally had this theory. We were fools. We fell on the pit of blindness. We thought it was it but I guess it wasn’t. I thought I was right but right now I’m having second thoughts.
I don’t think I can continue with this. Too much is just too much.
I need to make-up my mind.